Minigolf
by Inudaughter Returns
Summary: Takes place right after "Crush!" Arnold is smitten bad for Helga G. Pataki. How can he come to grips with himself? Arnold ponders this as he hangs out with Phoebe, Gerald, and Helga for some summer fun.


**This one take place just after "Crush!". Sexychief (plus some others) really wanted to see that plotline continued so here you go! :)**

It was the summer just after the close of fourth grade. The summer heat had yet to reach its highest peak. Only the midday smoldered, and yet something within Arnold smoldered all the time. He had, recently and much to his astonishment, acquired a full-blown crush on Helga G. Pataki. How did the boy know? He looked across the park to where she and Phoebe were hanging out on the breezy, pleasant top of the monkey bars. His heart hammered within his chest, his frown turned into a rumpled smile, and he sighed a bit. The heat that came out of his mouth rivaled the summer heat for sure and helped the popsicle in his hand to melt all the faster.

Tossing the empty twin wooden sticks into a trash can, Arnold flicked off some of the grape juice that had dribbled all over his hand. With a quick peek over his shoulder to make sure Helga and Phoebe had not moved, he walked to the city fountain in Lark Park and dabbled his hands inside to clean them. Then, with a sigh, Arnold bought himself a hotdog instead. He sat down by the fountain and ate, a melancholy expression on his face as Gerald walked up, a glove in his hand.

"Where'd you go, man?" Gerald asked him, sitting down on the fountain rim beside Arnold. "I told you, I'd be back in twenty minutes! After all I did to get Phoebe and Miss Helga G. Pataki out here," he said with mild dislike for Helga's name, "you'd think you'd stick to the plan!" Gerald checked his watch and gave Arnold a cross-examining, mostly by flexing his eyebrows. But Arnold's reply was a heavy sigh. He took the last bite of his hotdog, crumpled up the paper, and threw this away, too. Then he looked up at his wing-man.

"I dunno, Gerald. I just couldn't stand looking at her anymore! I can't stand not looking at her. I don't know what to do!" he said handing the hotdog vendor another bill. He accepted a double chili cheese dog in return.

"Well, I know one thing!" said Gerald giving Arnold a firm look. "You can't stand here just holding your hotdog! You've got to make a move!" the tall-haired boy said with great emphasis as Arnold looked down at the snack food mentioned. Suddenly, he felt a lot less hungry.

"So what do I do about it?" he asked Gerald. But the boy smiled his sage smile and gripped Arnold round the shoulder, lifting a hand towards the sun.

"What do you do?! Well, for your opening act, you've gotta be subtle about it! Come here and buy the girls a couple of ice-cold sodas, they'll like that! Then, get closer to Helga and say something real nice! Girls love the compliments!"

"Gerald!" Arnold disagreed, his eyes narrowed. "That won't work! I've given Helga a ton of compliments before. It's like she's resistant to them!"

"Yeah, I can see how that'd be true! That girl is like a fortress!" Gerald said scratching his chin in thought. "Well, buy her a soda anyway! Maybe she'll throw you a clue! You did say you're certain that this chick digs you, right?"

"I'm WAY more than certain," said Arnold thinking of the time Helga had kissed him at FTi. Even if they had gone back to status quo the day after their adventure to save the neighborhood, Helga had said some pretty amazing things to him back then. Arnold had even discovered Helga's poetry and shrine since then, and despite the eccentricity, he was inclined to forgive them. After all, Harold had spread HIS poetry all over P.S.118. Kids were STILL reciting his poem about tapioca pudding at lunch. [See previous story, "Arnold's Secret Journal", for details.] As Arnold contemplated on what to do, Helga came stomping up to him, followed by Phoebe.

"Why'd you wander off, Football-Head! I thought we were all going to the 3 o'clock matinee!" Helga checked the circular-faced watch she wore for special occasion, Saturday movie discounts being one of them.

"Yeah! Er, yeah," said Arnold, yelling at first before dropping his voice lower. "The movies. I forgot." He grinned. Maybe there was a way he could get Phoebe to switch seats with him so he could sit next to Helga. Helga gestured to the chilidog in his hand.

"Oh, lunch!" Helga tossed off lightly. "Not a bad idea, Arnoldo!"

"Oh, well I'm done eating anyway!" Arnold lamented. He waved the chili dog in the air. Helga fixed her eyes on it.

"If you're done eating lunch, why do you have that in your hand?" Helga asked, full of questions as usual. She sniffed.

"Oh! Well, I bought too much!" Arnold stammered. "Here, Helga do you want it?" Arnold could hardly believe his luck when Helga plucked the chili dog out of his hand, so close her fingertips brushed against his palm.

"Sure, thing! I'll eat your hotdog... if you want," Helga added in soft, sweet, sing-song voice. After all, getting free stuff from her favorite boy pleased her. Behind her and Arnold, Gerald made a funny face. He brought his hand up to his mouth and rushed over to the trash can.

"Oh, my! Gerald!" gasped Phoebe as Gerald hurled into the trashcan. She patted the boy sympathetically on the back.

"It's nothing!" Gerald said standing up at last. "Must have been something I ate."

"Okay," said Helga annoyed. "So maybe it's just three for the movies."

"Nah, I'll be alright," Gerald reassured them. "I'll just sit way in the back. Just in case. You two go ahead and sit up front." Helga puzzled over Gerald's odd behavior, then shrugged.

"I'd better sit next to him," said Phoebe patting Gerald's back. "Just to watch out for him."

Outside the movie theatre, Arnold spotted many of their fellow schoolmates waiting in the line for tickets. Stinky, Sid, and Harold were there. So was Eugene. Sheena, Katrinka, and Lila chatted together, while Nadine and Rhonda studied the movie posters. At 3 o'clock, it was now unpleasantly hot to be standing out on concrete sidewalk, waiting in line, but Arnold did it anyway, a bit of sweat dripping down his face and making his hair limp. He grinned in relief when they finally were able to enter the movie theatre doors and passed under the air conditioning. Like a miracle, his hair stood straight again. They pressed their way into the already crowded theatre, looking for seats.

"There's some!" Arnold said pointing. But as Helga and he approached them, they were taken up by two teenagers. Arnold tried again, moving toward three vacant seats only for the middle one to be taken up a very wide woman it was impossible to see around. So with a grimace, he moved to a seat in back of Helga instead. She whirled around immediately.

"What are you doing?" Helga prompted.

"Not finding a seat!" Arnold complained, scowling. Quick as a flash, Helga was in the same row he was. She pulled money from her pocket and and flashed it to Radish Boy, formerly named Chocolate Boy, next to him.

"Here ya, go, Radish Boy! Go buy some popcorn!"

"Okay!" said Radish Boy before scampering away. Helga took his seat.

"So," said Helga avoiding looking directly at Arnold now that they were so close.

"So," said Arnold doing the same. "We should probably find someplace not so busy to hang out," Arnold invented after some thought. Helga took a gulp of her soda. She rubbed the straw up and down against the lid of the cup so that it squeaked. Then a thought suddenly occurred to her.

"You know, Sid was telling me about someplace new. There's a minigolf course opening up on Livingston Street. You know, where the cows used to be."

"You're kidding!" said Arnold taking a sip of his own soda. "When does it open?"

"Not till next week. But a week isn't an awfully long time to wait. But save your money up! It costs ten bucks to get in!"

"Ten dollars?" Arnold lamented. "That's like, ten Mr. Fudgy bars!"

"But there are eighteen holes!" Helga debated. "And it's supposed to be really cool. The whole place is called 'Parrot's Cove Mini Golf Adventure Park'. It has lots of fake pirates and plastic gators and stuff.

"How do you know so much about it?"

"I only know what Sid knows about it," Helga remarked. "That kid spouts gossip in his sleep."

"Well, okay," said Arnold. His allowance money was disappearing fast, but it was as Helga said. It'd be worth it. "I'll tell Gerald about it."

"Great, because I'm taking Phoebe," Helga said with significance. "She'll be glad to see Tall-Hair Boy."

Ah, if only Arnold had the nerve to tell Helga that he felt similarly towards herself. But he didn't. Instead, he daydreamed that they would be playing the course together. In his dream, Helga was wearing her little pink golf hat with the pink pom-pom on it and a pink frilly dress. He was wearing his hair slicked back, a blue polo shirt, and tan pants like a pro golfer. All their fellow schoolmates and friends clapped and cheered as Arnold hit a little mini golf ball down the course to bounce prettily into a hole in one stroke. Dream Helga, meanwhile blinked long lashes at him, admiring his skills. But what transpired the next week wasn't much like that at all.

Parrot's Cove Mini Golf Adventure Park was even more busy than the movie theatre on its opening day. When Arnold and Gerald showed up, Phoebe and Helga were already out on the course. A long line wend outside an iron gate leading up to a tiny wooden house. Someone was selling tickets out the window. Much to Arnold's shock, it was Sheena's Uncle Earl.

"What are you doing here?" Arnold asked the boatman. But Sheena's Uncle leaned down and with one squinted eye and one open eye, examined him.

"I be the owner of this here golf course!" said Uncle Earl. "Had to trade the cows in, sometime! Would ye like a pirate hat? Arr!" said Uncle Earl leaning down and handing Arnold a black paper hat. Gerald accepted a fake eyepatch. The boys put them on and grinned.

"Take ye putter and follow the waves!' said Uncle Earl, pointing to the blue carpet that wend its way around the course. "When ye pass the giant squid, ye know your journey is at an end!"

"Thanks," said Arnold exchanging a ten dollar bill for a small golf club. Soon, he and Gerald stood at the start of the course. Children ran all about them, including Curly who seemed to be pirouetting just for fun. A few of the kids pretended to be eaten by the plastic alligators.

"Well," said Arnold as they waited for two younger girls to finish their turn at the first mini-golf hole adorned with fake crabs and anchors, "thanks for pretending to be sick at the movies last week. I got to spend a lot of time with Helga."

"Oh, I wasn't pretending, man!" Gerald complained, his face full of disgust. "I was sick as a dog! But the little back rub Phoebe gave me made it all worth it!" said Gerald setting down a neon colored golf ball and whacking it. It smacked about the course and slowed near to the golf hole. Gerald got down on his hands and knees and examined it before putting it in for a par of two. Arnold scribbled on a little slip of paper and returned it to his pocket before hitting the golf ball himself.

"Still," Arnold said holding his hand up and his eyes full of regret as they walked to the next section of the course. "It would have been nice to be playing with the girls. Who knew it'd be so busy?"

"Well, apparently, Sid told everybody!" Gerald lamented. "That kid should work in advertising. He's got the right kind of enthusiasm for it."

But it wasn't fated that they'd have a good view of their favorite ladies. As they moved down the course, Arnold tried to peek around a plastic jungle full of palm trees, a fake volcano, a fake port saloon, a white whale, and a hybrid of an Easter Island statue and a garden gnome. Every time, by the moment he peeked around an obstacle separating each course, Helga and Phoebe had walked forward so that Arnold could not see their faces. Soon, they'd be at the fourteenth hole while he and Gerald were only on the seventh.

"Come on, man," complained Gerald, growing cross, "If it bothers you so much let's hurry up and finish the course! Maybe we'll catch up with them before they go."

"Yeah," said Arnold turning his attention back to minigolf. In his haste, he chipped it rather high and it bounced off the giant, hideous statue in front of them and back across the course.

"Jumpin' catfish!" complained the loud, crusty voice of Uncle Earl. "Ouch, me eye! Who hit that ball?!" Arnold and Gerald tiptoed away to the next hole.

"Well, since I lost my golf ball," said Arnold holding up a hand. "I'll just go ahead! You play without me, Gerald. I'll wait for you at the exit."

"Keep the girls in good company, Romeo," said Gerald giving his friend a wink as he took the score card and little golf pencil from Arnold's hand. They did their friendship thumb shake.

But meanwhile, while Helga and Phoebe were at the fourteenth golf course, they were greeted by a familiar friend. A small, shrimpy kid with stringy hair, white Beadle Boots, and a black leather jacket. Sid.

"Oh, hey Helga. How are 'ya doin'?" Sid asked her as they waited in line for use of course number fifteen. "How are things going with Arnold?" he inquired. Helga gave Sid a perplexed stare.

"Huh?" she said, suddenly suspicious. "I don't follow. Why would you be asking about Arnold?" she ended putting extra emphasis on her favorite boy's name. Sid twiddled his fingers.

"Oh, nothing!" he said with a short, brief, even more suspicious laugh. "I just thought since I saw you two at the movies together you were an item by now. You know, especially considering everything," Sid ended rolled his eyes backwards. He laughed nervously again. Helga flushed hot.

"Woah, woah!" she uttered reaching out and snagging Sid by his shirt collar to drag him up and stare at him eye to eye. "Especially considering what?"

"Oh, well, I'm really not supposed to tell!" said Sid. But Helga gave him an extra glare that promised death. Or at least a brutal beating.

"Okay, okay!" said Sid. "I sold Arnold a photo of you at the beach. Since he has a crush on you and all!" Sid grinned nervously, since he had been dying to spill the secret all the time, anyhow. Helga's eyes grew wide as saucers. She dropped Sid on his butt and stared off into space. Then, conquering her daydreaming look, she grinned instead.

"Oh, this place has suddenly become paradise!" she said with a wicked chuckle. Helga suppressed the loopy grin on her face as Arnold rounded the bend and strode towards them.

"Oh, hi Helga!" Arnold said with near perfect innocence. "Hi Phoebe. Hey Sid. How are you doing?" Sid scrambled up off his butt from the ground and brushed off his coat sleeve.

"Oh, I'm just fine, Arnold!" he lied. "See ya around!" Sid gushed before fleeing. Arnold watched Sid go with growing dread. Whatever Sid was up to, it might not be a good thing. But he had little time to wonder at the boy, for Helga had barred his feet from going forward with a pink handled golf putter.

"Hey, Arnold," Helga purred. "Playing through?"

"Oh, well, I sort of lost my golf ball," said Arnold. Helga smiled at his excuse.

"Oh well, you can share with me!" Helga said holding up a small pink golf ball and setting it down on the green. "Go ahead, Arnoldo! You first!" Helga batted her eyes at him and Arnold was caught so off-guard by this, he leaned a bit backwards.

"Well, okay!" he said nervously before hitting the little ball forward. After it dropped into the goal cup, Helga fished it out and brought it back to the beginning of the course. She set it down at her feet in front of her.

"Since you're so good at this, Arnold," said Helga laying it on thick, "perhaps you can show me your technique! Here, take this!" said Helga offering her own pink-handled golf club with one hand and taking his own blue one from him. She tossed Arnold's golf club to Phoebe. As Arnold held the putter out in front, Helga startled him by ducking under his arms and grasping the golf club, too, at a lower point on the handle just below his hands. As it was now, Helga stood between his arms. Arnold's face grew hot.

"Go ahead, Football-Head!" Helga teased. "Show me!" Arnold rolled his eyes up.

"Well, okay!" said Arnold guiding Helga's hands by flexing the upper half of the golf club. But Helga didn't really need to much guidance. She, too, swung the golf club at the same time and the golf ball rolled straight past an obstacle of mermaids into the goal cup.

"Why, look! A hole in one!" said Helga leaning uncomfortably close to Arnold. He gulped.

"You know, you look thirsty, Arnold!" said Helga. She pointed to a park bench off to the side of the course. "You wait here! I'll be back with some drinks in a moment!" Humming mildly, Helga strode off. By the time she rejoined them, Gerald had caught up and was seated next to Phoebe. Helga looked dully at him.

"Oh, Hi Tall-Hair Boy," she said nearly neutrally. "Phoebe, you keep Gerald company. I wanna show old Football-Head here something interesting." She snatched Arnold's arm and dragged him off toward a large artificial pond. Moored in the center of it was a fake pirate ship large enough to be a cottage.

"Come on!" Helga gestured forward. She walked across a plank onto the ship's deck.

"Uh, Helga," protested Arnold. "I don't think we're supposed to be here!"

"Oh, come on, Football-Head!" said Helga grinning. "Just one peek won't do any harm! Will it?" She unlatched the ship's cabin door and pushed Arnold inside. He gaped at the candles and mounds of pink Azalea flowers inside. Helga closed the door behind her with a snap and leaned on it.

"So," said Helga leaning forward enough so that her breath blew on Arnold's paper pirate hat. "Sid told me something VERY interesting about you… about us!" she leaned even nearer to Arnold and he gulped. "Care to elaborate?"

"Ah, about that!" said Arnold. "Well, you know… Sid likes to talk and all that!" But Helga's mood had now grown sour and she still guarded the door. The look on her face said that if he said the wrong thing, he'd be beat. Arnold did some fast thinking.

"Well, you see, it's like this Helga… I.. I…"

"You what, Captain Arnold?" said Helga purring to leave the door. But Arnold had no chance to bolt for it. Helga had encircled him with her arms instead and was in one of her amorous moods. As she drew her arms around his neck to pull him closer, Arnold struggled away to speak. He forced some space between their chests by pressing Helga away with his hands.

"I just wanted to say I really like you… well a lot, Helga. Maybe we can be friends! And every now and again we can try a date or something to get to know each other better! Take it nice and slow!" Arnold pleaded. "What do you think?" Helga's eyebrow flexed down in anger.

"Why, you little yellow-haired runt!" she said grasping hold of his shirt front before the anger faded and she smiled again. "Well, since did you did confess to me, of sorts, don't you think I'm entitled to one little, tiny kiss?" Helga grinned.

"A kiss?!" Arnold sputtered. "I don't know, Helga! I..I.." His eyes darted around nervously. Maybe if he leapt for the door, he could get out before Helga could catch him. But the siren leaned back in against his chest.

"Just one!" Helga promised, her fingertips on his chest. Her eyes glittered at a terrified, yet transfixed boy.

On the park bench, Phoebe checked her watch. Gerald read it, too, and stood up. "We'd better to go find Arnold and Helga! Make sure the girl isn't pulverizing that boy!"

"Um, I believe they went that way!" said Phoebe gesturing towards the pirate ship. They arrived on its deck just when the cabin door swung open and Helga stepped out, grinning and wearing Arnold's pirate hat.

"ARR!" Helga declared dreamily. Arnold staggered out behind her. With a curious backwards glance, Phoebe stared at a dizzy Arnold but followed after Helga as she prowled away. Arnold rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well," Gerald declared with swagger. "I guess you got what you wanted!"

"A little too much, actually! I think she scared some of my crush out of me," said Arnold. "I barely escaped with my life!"

"Well, that girl is like this cannon here!" said Gerald pressing down the flintlock. "You light the match and then…"

"BOOOM!" the cannon went off, startling the two of them. Who would have expected that it'd be real! Arnold and Gerald both looked at each other in nervous awe as they observed Gerald's handiwork. The cannonball had put a hole right through the "O" in a billboard saying "Minigolf".

"Arr! Who be playing with me cannon?!" a crusty voice declared. Sheena's Uncle Earl appeared on the deck of the ship, wearing an eye patch over his usually squinty eye. "We be closing in ten minutes! Go home, ye sea urchins!" He gestured a thumb over his shoulder and Arnold and Gerald scampered away. At the edge of the exit gate, Gerald clapped Arnold on the back. Phoebe and Helga had long since gone home.

"Well, you did good today, man!" said Gerald. "Real good! Just try to keep Miss High-Strung off your back!" He and Arnold did their friendship thumb shake.

"Sure!" said Arnold.

Off in the distance inside of Hillwood, Helga was stamping down the street and cursing. She had parted ways with Phoebe and now she ranted, throwing her hands up over her head. "That little yellow-haired runt!" she cursed. "After getting my hopes all up, he just wants to dabble! That dweeb! That goodie-two-shoes! That little punk-haired geek!" Yet Helga pulled the heart-shaped locket with Arnold's photo in in from the front of her dress and kissed it softly. She cradled it in her hand.

"My golden-haired dream! Your lips are just as delicious as they have always been!" She sighed happily.

Elsewhere in Hillwood, Arnold twitched his eyes back and forth, scoping out the street to make sure no one was watching. He reached down into his pocket and took out the photograph of Helga he had bought from Sid for twenty bucks. On it, Helga sprawled beside the waves like a mermaid, a dreamy smile on her lips. A grin beamed across Arnold's own face and he tucked the photo into his pocket again. Then he whistled and ambled down the street towards the lowering summer sun. Life was great! Arnold wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere. The end.


End file.
